Advice Personal Growth Train of Thought

Starting Again and Looking Back: Reflections on a Dying Childhood Part. 1

It has been a while since I have divulged upon this blog. The featured image was a wallpaper I loved to use in middle school. I found it during the Christmas Holidays just near New Years and when AFV was a thing. I always saw it as a silly sunrise. But now it feels like a sad sunset. A goodbye to such an era with Roblox, Algodoo, and Qubo.

I became caught up in work, school, and whatnot. I “let my sorry notions go the way”.

What I did right however was find friends and spend time with them. Perhaps I could have spent more time with family as well, but that is another story for another day. I still made my effort.

Recently, I commented on a nostalgia song “Heist by Ben Folds” to someone who said the movie came out when they were 5 and they were now 17:

Enjoy it while it lasts 🙁
Soon you’ll find yourself warning the others.

Me wasting my youth looking back at more youthful times.

Looking Back

I see why every adult is so stuck in the past. They have all of their world decayed. That’s why they showed us their music, their cartoons, and their stories. I do not think many people are even familiar with the actual fairy tales anymore. And it is rare to find someone of my generation and even more so of the next that is able to climb a mere tree.

I remember playing around exploring stuff. But letting my obsession with being the best spoil the moment. In adolescence I fought with my parents like everyone else-but I realized wars could have been fought more nicely. I cried for the days gone. I miss them.

I have always wondered. what if I were to let go? Let go of those days and start off as a child again? Not in a literal sense. But to carry the lessons that were valuable, and start from scratch? The reason I propose such is from this quote:

But in his carefree youth, it seemed had seem almost like an abstract impossible thing to ever happen to him. Death seemed like an abstract impossible thing to happen to him. But with each passing decade he began to gauge the time he probably had left. And by h is 40s when he considered his halfway point-a best- he had come to know just one thing: You will get older.

The next thing you know, you are looking back, instead of forward.

It’s Such a Beautiful Day by Don Hertzfeldt

The 80s had their memes. And so did the 90s. I was of the 2010s. People rarely remember shoop da whoop and domo. Doge is undead eternal.

But when we were young. We had noothing to mourn. Perhaps it is better that way. To ride with the memes and learn. Not to analyze it like a cringy facebook mom. But to experience it the natural way. You just learn about such.

Who would want to grow up?

It is interesting to find that children can do things that you cannot even if you are older and more experienced. I remember as a child adults being jealous of my ability to not worry.

I am in the middle right now at the age of 19 in college. Hopefully I will not have to “grow up” in the sense that I will be burdened by such worries. If growing up entails that, I do not know why so many people are so insane to go through with such.

It may often be attributed that hard work is a “mature” trait. However, I beg to differ. As child I worked hard to achieve what I really wanted. I would spend hours playing videos games and-ironically-studying. I enjoyed knowing more than everyone else. Being good at everything.

Alas, that is something I have dropped. Sometimes being good was more important than having fun. In that sense, I lost that “grown up” part of me that was so prominent in my childhood.

Slaying some demons

I have been meditating more often. Life is being more in the 4k resolution rather than the 720 or 480p as most would have thought.

I have learned to face fears. In my early stages I was not afraid of anything. I lived life. I saw good in everything. I guess the taint of adulthood is already creeping the moment you come out of the womb. I have also learned that I don’t have to follow anyoness arbitrary ruless. I can be myself. And do as I please.

That is a good thing for some people, a bad thing for others. I’m not one to burn buildings at the tip of a hat. But I was barred from enjoying the popular music given a certain trait that I had. A certain trait that they claimed no one should be judged on, but judge on others themselves. It is controversial. But I have been noticing more people seeing the tomfoolery and transcending the situation. Either way, I’m more of a “bruh” type of guy. I predict in 10 years no one will give a damn like the term “jay”.

In 50 years it will be an oddity. I do not useit here not because I have no inhibition to say it, but I’m more of a “bruh” sort of guy. I guess once you get over the fear of it, you really have not much fear and the ability to do such really becomes irrelevant. (It was considered worse than fuck.) It’s fascinating to see acceptance of others using other wordss that have not even developed a friendly meaning for other groups. But this is the Interdimensional Imbecile and not the Shapiro Show. It’s really irrelevant at this point. I will just say again that I am glad to see more people from everywhere realizing the mess and realizing that it really has evolved into something more friendly. I can finally enjoy modern music without anxiety.

What happened to childhood. Realize I was in the crossfire of a Great War of Pointlesss Shit

Imma faire mah laizar

Hinting of cultural 3rd Dimensional drama, I believe the only time I can remember not having drama was in childhood. I just remembered playing gamess and seeing all of these adults attempt to teach us kidss to be kind and nice to each other whille slinging shit at each other.

It’s crazy to see how much shit slinging I have gotten to myself.

Perhaps if more people in the word were like children. It would be a nicer place to live.

A free world entails that there will be negativity. There will be bulliess and jerks. It is a part of learning. Without such one is incapable to handle. But standing up for oneself has almost been forbidden by the schools and the bully has the upper hand. One has to have a tooth broken before they gain favor.

We often ban children from participating in certain things due to their lack of development and understanding. But when they accidentally do certain things we treat them as adults as if they fully understood what they did to get revenge instead building them up. Be we limited them because they didn’t. I don’t think that’s the way-as in holding double standards and treating them as one or the other to reach a certain means. It feels as cheaty as a carnival game. A child is a child. A teenager is a teenager. An adult is an adult. I don’t see how people have lost sight of something basic. Don’t just remove meaning from the categories to suit your agenda. Did I say “we”, I mean they. Of course, for the sake of distinction, an adult is not necessarily a “grown up” who slaves over bills and politics. I do not know if I will stick to this terminology but for this article I will.

I really think if we really were to go by the “x is an x” standard. Most of you will agree that adults are mainly the immature ones. Kids are just caught in the crossfire. I’m still caught, but I’m halfway to being an “adult adult”. It seems they only want you to be an adult if they want to charge you with something.

I’m in this weird place now. Sure, I’m 19 and it is Texas and the USA so I am an “adult”. Even if I’m in one of those crazier stick-up-the-ass places, I am capable of quickly finding a means to support myself and live independently. But I still have that “spark of youth” within. I still can do crazy things without getting too many glares. Sure, you have some “fun old men” who are younger in spirit than their own offspring and possess more vitality than most(my grandfather is a prime example, he runs daily and exercises. I know most of you just sit and shit).

Can ai haz Chezburgher?

High school is a blur now. But it was a trudge. It was only 4 years of my life and it felt so long.. So it gives me hope that I can make the best out of college. The past 2 months also felt long. Given that it was 2020, I could use that as an excuse. But 2 months in high school as a senior also felt long.

Spirituality is messy. At least my path is. Not all rainbows and Firey Chariots.

This reflection isn’t really meant to be a critique on the current state of society. There’s more than enough resources for that. It’s for showing my mental process in processing all of this. There’s a lot of stuff. And I’ll send some more your way as I work my way to astral projection and a full Kundalini raising.

Most of you had probably hoped for a more encouraging piece during these times. But all this spirituality stuff. You realize that you have to master both the Dark and the Light.